Here are some news stories from this week that I think the mainstream media completely missed out on. All links are from legitimate news sources and not the fringe / wacko sites.

* When police arrived at a man’s house to investigate a domestic violence call, the male suspect quickly covered himself in fresh paint thinking it would prevent the police officer’s tasers from affecting him! Captain Brilliant then decided since he was invulnerable, he would “scuffle with the police”. Needless to say, hijinks ensued. The final score : Police = 1 | Sherman Williams = 0 [MILITARY.COM]

* Hands only CPR is the way to save lives now? Apparently keeping blood going to the brain > breathing. Plus you actually don’t have to trade saliva with a bleedy-hurty stranger. [YAHOO]

* White noise helps “inattentive” children learn. You know what else helps? A coupla’ good SMACKS on the butt with a old splintery wood paddle from a principal who’s had a real bad day. That seems to make “inattentive” children behave better, too! [SCIENCE CODEX]

* Men apparently tend to “Check out” in stressful fight-about-to-start situations, while women tend to “Show Increased Brain Coordination.” In other words, Supergirl think real gooder, and HULK SMASH!!!! Right? I think that’s kinda’ what they meant. [SCIENCE DAILY]

* European scholars are doing their best Monty Python impersonation when it comes to the US economy… RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY! [TELEGRAPH.CO.UK]

* And in related news, do you remember musical chairs as a kid? When the music stopped, all hell broke loose? Kinda the same thing is happening now that the economic stimulus is coming to a halt. Doo dee doo dee doo dee dee doo… [NY TIMES]

* The UN has decided to fly a big-ass freak flag last week by appointing a… “space ambassador to act as first contact for aliens visiting Earth”. OK, with all the disasters and crap going on in the world, the UN actually sets aside the time to announce they’re gonna’ have a space ambassador? Howzabout we take care of stuff here on Earth first before opening a modern day Casablanca for the local galaxy, yes? [TIME.COM]

* And finally, isn’t one of the prophesies of the “end times” that “ye shall see crap movies, and the tech in them shalt be made real!” I think it goes something like that. Anyhow, the GI Joe “accelerator” suit from the same lame-ass GI Joe movie from last year is apparently getting close to being field-use ready. In other movie terms, we’re about to have a army of Iron Men, Mark I series. This is alllll sorts of awesome and alllll sorts of “oh hell no” kinds of bad at the same time. [AOL.COM]

** Actually upped on 10/10/10 for evil reasons all my own! Mu ha ha ha ha!!!!