Here are some news stories from this week that I think the mainstream media completely missed out on. All links are from legitimate news sources and not the fringe / wacko sites.

* Once again, the mainstream media plays it safe. Instead of a headline like “A MAJOR CONTINENT IS SPLITTING IN HALF! REPUBLICANS SAY OBAMA TO BLAME! DEMOCRATS SAY REPUBLICANS CAN SUCK IT! KIM JONG IL SAYS HE WANTS SOUTH KOREAN CHEESE ON HIS WHOPPER!”, the European media goes all factual with it and says “Violent Seismic Activity Tearing Africa in Two”. Hey waitaminute, that does sound pretty bad! [SPIEGEL]

* Part of me wishes headlines like “German Police Pick up Drunken Owl” was the only breaking news in the world. Then I think of how mind-blisteringly soul-numbingly boring that world would be, and I move along. Oh yeah, German police really did pick up a drunken owl. It was a hoot. [SPIEGEL]

* I’m actually amazed people are genuinely surprised when nasty stuff they write in emails comes back to bite them right in the nalgas. Case in point –  a dude was typing smack to his attorney through his corporate email account and was shocked (yes, SHOCKED) when his company read his email! He said “Aaaaayyy! It was attorney client privilege there!”, but his company said “Up your nose with a rubber hose!” Or something like that. [WIRED]

* Highly anal retentive English teachers of the world unite!  Is it time to phase out the old double space between sentences rule?  Does it really matter how many spaces are between sentences anymore?  O spacebar! my spacebar! our fearful mark is done;  The sentence has weather’d every rack, the quote we sought is won! [SLATE]

* A man was brought back to life after three and a half hours without a heartbeat thanks to a machine that “performed 20,000 life-saving chest compressions”. Good thing it wasn’t 19,900 life-saving chest compressions and 100 “not really feelin’ it” chest compressions. [NEWS.COM.AU]

* Since the fatherland homeland security can search your cell phone whenever the ingrown buttwarts feel like it they have a valid suspicion of illegal activities, you may want to encrypt your cell phone and tell them to eff off!. Here’s how! [ARS TECHNIA]

* And finally, I predict the end of waterfountains at all malls because of this upcoming genius. This mensa candidate was walking and texting (as most of us do!) but then fell flat into a waterfountain in the center of the mall. Instead of taking the opportunity to fish out dollar coins, this genius is suing the mall for “not helping her”. Not helping her WHAT? Run nice things for everybody even faster? [ABC]

** Actually published Monday because too many things went BOOM this weekend. Yo. Def. What?