News stories the mainstream media missed : 10/29/11**

Here are some news stories from this week that I think the mainstream media completely missed out on. All links are from legitimate news sources and not the fringe / wacko sites.

* This just in! Eating too much junk food is effective birth control! And before you say “ah-deerrr!!” hear me out! It’s not just the look of eating too much junk food that makes for effective birth control! Scientific science-stuff has found out that eating too much junk food also monkeys with the sperm count of men! Dun dun dunnnn!!!! Details at [TIME]

* Oui! De fhrrrrranch see-tah-zens has dun eet now! Zhey hav bunned KETCHUP! Sacre blu! Zee nherve! Apparently the idiots in the French government want the French childrens to avoid these evil-bastard “western” diets and go back to having RAW GARLIC as a condiment instead of ketchup. Raw garlic as a condiment? No wonder the French are always so steenky! The dish at [DELISH]

* Allow me to summarize my feelings about black licorice with this brief haiku…ICK! YUCK! PTOOEY! / I WOULD RATHER EAT MY SHOE / THAN THIS FOUL HOOEY. Fortunately, I now have another justification for hating this foul funk from another dimension… eating too much licorice will actually kill you! Totally not kidding! “Eating 2 ounces of black licorice a day for at least two weeks may lead to arrhythmia, or irregular heart rhythm, which could land you in the emergency room.” Nice to see this was released right before Halloween, too! Details at [TIME]

* Here’s a question most people think they know the answer to, but then when we think about it, we really don’t. Why do we cry? Leaking water from our eyes? Emotional extremes can universally cause liquid discharge in humans? Seriously? What biological process had to evolve to make that the pinnacle of communicating pain, rage, hunger, and/or emotional distress? It’s kinda bonkers if you think about it too much. Discussion ensues at [NPR]

* OK, we’re leaving the war in Iraq! Wait, no we’re not! OK, now we’re only staying on days that end in Y! The bi-polar “is we or isn’t we” war details at [ESQUIRE]

* Do you like your seafood glowing or non-glowing? Get ready, because this is going to be the new and improved difference in all those delicious little finny friends from the Pacific or Atlantic! Zee French nuclear monitor said there was a LOT of caesium 137 that leaked into the Pacific from the Fukushima disaster. A lot, a lot. Apparently it “was the greatest single nuclear contamination of the sea ever seen.” So, yeah, that would be bad. But, hey! Maybe we can get five lobster claws from one animal where before this “disaster” we could only get two! Huh! How about that science?! Red Lobster just needs to change their name to Green Lobster and we’re good! Details at [PHYSORG]

* 60 days! Two months! 1,440 hours! That’s how long movie exes want to make rental stores wait *after* a movie hits the retail shelves! Apparently some geniuses in hollywood think if a movie is only on store shelves and *not* for rent at Redbox or Lackluster (typo, but I like it), or Netflix, there are nooooo other options for us consumers to watch a movie. So, naturally, since there are nooooo other options for us consumers, we will buy the movie at the full $50-and-up retail prices since they’re only available at retail stores! Everybody keep quiet! Nobody mention this newfangled “internet” thing to the ancient ones, OK? News of the latest belly-flop from hollywood at [BLOOMBERG]

* I love me some Southpark, and now so so sooooo much moreso that SCIENTOLOGY is trying to dig up dirt on Matt and Trey! Apparently South Park did something to really piss them off some time ago, and ever since then, Scientology has been all bozo-nightmare loco about getting something on Matt and Trey. OK. Seriously. Has anybody in the Scientology character-assassination and public-humiliation department ever looked at Matt and Trey’s past? At all the stuff Matt and Trey have publicly admitted and done? For FUN? Embarrass and humiliate these two? Not. Gonna. Happen. News and details at [INDEPENDENT]

* Sound the alarms! Raise the drawbridge! Batten the hatches! Swap the poop deck! The “revised” Catholic Mass will start to take effect on November 27th! AHOOOOGAH! AHOOOOGAH! OK, seriously, the Catholic church has been listening to focus groups to determine when, exactly, to have parishioners strike their chests with their fists in confession. They’re also changing “The Lord be with you’s” response from “and also with you” to “and with your spirit”. The word “offering” is getting the heave-ho in exchange for the more archaic “oblation”. But the big enchilada is the swap of the phrase “one in being” with the seriously hardcore “consubstantial”. Con sub what? Seriously? “Consubstantial with the father” is actually going mainstream? Eesh. Expect upset Catholics to start showing up online at around 1 PM on November 27th! Breaking news at [USA TODAY]

* I remember the PBS show The Electric Company with a ton of goofball nostalgia. A megaphone blastin’ HEEEYYYYY YOOOOOOOOO GUYYSSSSSS!!! beat a mellow “get basic directions to a street I was just at last week” every time! Plus, THEY HAD SPIDER MAN!!! (“Where are you comin’ from Spiiiider Man? Nobody knows who you arrrrrrr!”) ANYHOW, some of the Electric Company crew moved on to much better things. Do you know who Easy Reader was? Big surprise at [THE ROOT]

* Speaking of nostalgia, when I first saw the headline that DARPA was having a “shredder challenge”, I thought, “Leonardo and Donatello can totally kick Shredder’s butt! Where do I sign up?” But nooooooo, it’s not Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle shredder DARPA wants. DARPA actually wants a way to re-construct shredded documents, and is offering a sizeable reward for whoever can figure out a way to do this. Um… wait. Can I choose another team to go in with? Because this is actually kind of scary now that I’m thinking about it. The official DARPA darpage is at [SHREDDER CHALLENGE]

That’s all I got this week! Now I’m off to watch me some TIVO-ed Walking Dead.

** Actually posted on 10/30 because I completely blew off Saturday… again!

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