News stories the mainstream media missed : 11/05/11**

Here are some news stories from this week that I think the mainstream media completely missed out on. All links are from legitimate news sources and not the fringe / wacko sites.

* “A prominent UN agency has issued a warning that the globe is hurtling toward a long recession, a 40 million worldwide job shortage and an increase in large scale social unrest.” HA! Put that in your sandbox and dig it, you positive, good for nothing optimists!! Now excuse me while I go start to dig a large hole for myself in my backyard and fill it with canned beans and… whatever other stuff I might need to survive the apocalypse! I do own a shovel, right? Major freakout story at [PRISON PLANET] and a more socially acceptable freakout at [BLOOMBERG]

* There’s some great news for future horror movie plots this week! Scientific geniuses have figured out how to rejuvenate itty bitty mice cells and make them younger!! This is fantastic news… but, of course, there’s a catch. From what I understand, human cells can only divide so many times before they start to nosedive. This nosedive either means other nearby healthy cells get all funkified, or even worse, the CANCER part of CANCER SUCKS shows up. The “rejuvenation” these scientists have found is to kill cells before they reach the “use by” date. Wasn’t that “I Am Legend” movie based on a cancer cure gone bonkers wrong? Story at the [ECONOMIST] and again at [BBC] and a more “fweeeeeeee…. over my head” explanation at [DUR.AC.UK]

* Apparently that little discovery wasn’t major enough, as some other scientists went and made photons into paranoid schizophrenics! (Because we need to support the therapy industry with thousands of chargeless particles, dammit!) Long story short, it’s now possible to make a photon think it’s actually a crowd of photons! Oh, and it’s all about Quantum Mechanics, so leave your reality at the door, please. Story at [ARS TECHNIA]

* This just in! Black holes in outer space look nothing like whirlpools in a dirty-water sink! The Hubble Telecsope grabbed a pic of a black hole a long time ago in the center of another galaxy far far away. Pew-pew lasers and whoosh-by sound effects not included. Story at [PHYSORG]

* The saying “stop and smell the roses” leaves out those damn, dirty trees for a reason! Apparently there’s a tree out there that can cause instant migraines if you sniff it! OK, who was so damn bored they went from tree to tree to tree and sniffed every one for an effect? Geez! Anyhow, I betcha every blade of un-mowed grass in my yard that the military is going to weaponize this shrubbery by the end of the year. News at [SCIENCE NEWS]

* On a semi-serious note, the geniuses at FEMA are going to sound the AHHHHHH-OOOOOOO-GAHHHHHHH red alert nationwide test of the Emergency Broadcast System on November 9th at 2 PM Eastern Time. Yeah. Nationwide. Some people are gonna’ be freaked-the-nutty-fudge out when every TV channel and every radio station in the country is going AHHHHHH-OOOOOOO-GAHHHHHHH for 30+ seconds. Sooooo for the grand prize and a copy of the home game, the big final question is… why the test? Details at [FEMA].

* The CIA is watching everything we Tweet and Facebook? Not surprising. That they have agents called “ninja librarians” to do this? “Ninja Librarians”?! That’s! Freaking! Hilarious! What, do they say SHHHH before they fling a throwing-star at you? I have a feeling these “ninja librarians” got about 200 pounds more “doughnut-muscle” than the 6′ 11″ field agents who do the daily “excuse me, but does this rag smell like chloroform to you?” kind of work at the agency. And with that little snap, I bet I’m on their list. HI GUYS!!! YOU HIRING?! CALL ME!! SHHHH!! Story at [AP]

That’s all I got this week! Now I’m off to watch me some TIVO-ed Walking Dead and grab a cigar!

** Actually posted on 11/06 because doin’ nuthin’ on Saturday felt goooooood.

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