News stories the mainstream media missed : 03/05/11

Here are some news stories from this week that I think the mainstream media completely missed out on. All links are from legitimate news sources and not the fringe / wacko sites.

* I’m going to start off with the news equivalent of a WHAAAAPISSSHH!!! The USDA said this week that over 44 million Americans are now on food stamps, up significantly from 39 million people in 2009. So how many people is 44 million? Check out this chart I made…

Food Stamp Nation 2011

44 million is the ENTIRE population of Alabama (4,600,000), Colorado (4,900,000), Minnesota (5,200,000), Oregon (3,800,000), ARIZONA (6,400,000), WINCONSIN (5,600,000), NEVADA (2,600,000), LOUISIANA (4,300,000), Kansas (2,800,000),  Mississippi (2,900,000) and MOST of Montanna (482,324 out of 989,415 = 89,415 not on food stamps). Dude. Not funny at all. [USDA] [WIKIPEDIA (population info)]

* New flash! The first two years of college don’t make students any more literate or career ready! Apparently there’s too much sex, booze and “other distractions” going on! Is the AH-DERRRRR file full, because this article needs to get stuffed in there. [TIME]

* Using the “full speed reverse” strategy, the federal government has decided to whack the “Teach for America” program. Ah who needs teachers to teach? Just give them kids a laptop and learn ’em to type GOOGLE.COM and that should be all they need! Right? Right? [ECONOMIST]

* Did the Chinese and assorted Jihadists try to bankrupt America with their covert computer eleven-toed master ninja skills? Definitely maybe, according to the Pentagon. [DAILYMAIL.CO.UK]

* Going galactic for a moment, the Sun apparently hasn’t been acting right lately. Specifically, it hasn’t been having enough flare ups. I say we launch a giant tube of anti-preparation-h at the sucker and we should be good. [SCIENTIFIC AMERICAN]

* Scientists this week found a small planet that’s hotter than some stars. Drat. Add this to the long list of planets we can’t land on. Oh, wait, we still can’t land on ANY OTHER PLANETS YET!! Dammit to hell. [NEW SCIENTIST]

* Scientists this week also found a black hole that’s far bigger than the distance from our Sun to the outer orbit of Pluto. Check out the illustration below…

Ginormous Black Hole

Pardon my French, but fucking fuck fuckity fuuuuuuck fuckaroo, that’s some seriously major shit there. I seriously see the need to “pop” a black hole as something our great grandchildren will need to come up with. Not kidding. [CRUMILLER] and [NEW SCIENTIST]

* OK. Still not kidding, I know how to wipe out the Earth. With zombies. Just tweak this newfound fungus that makes zombies out of ants, make it work on humans, drop it somewhere populated and WHAMMO. Zombieland! Now where’s my secret giant volcano island headquarters? [HUFFINGTON POST]

* Want some radioactive water to drink? Just get a shot from your local Pennsylvania tap! Free superpowers and it’s all legal? There’s got to be a catch somewhere! [NEW YORK TIMES]

* I think I’ll close this week with another WHAAAAPISSSHH!!! You know how the Federal government is gonna shut down Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac? Or was that Freddie Mercury and Fannie Brice? Anyhow, without whoever those loan giants were, there’s going to be some, ah, small side effects when they’re gone. 30-Year mortgages will be no more – only 15 year loans or less. Interest rates will sharply rise for almost every home buyer. Oh, and lenders will charge hefty fees to “lock in” an interest rate. This is a good idea? This is progress? Hello? Is this blog on? [NY TIMES]

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